Kingdom Monera

Offspring Bacterium:  (with a sad expression) “Mom…  um….  I mean…  Donor?”

Donor Bacterium:  (concerned) “Yes, my little… or actually same-sized… offspring, what’s wrong?”

Offspring Bacterium:  (sniffing and itching capsule with its fimbria) “I don’t feel well.  Am I leaking cytoplasm?”

Donor Bacterium:  “Hmmm… maybe you have a virus.” 

Offspring Bacterium:  “Well, it can’t be a bacterium because, well, I already am one.”

Donor Bacterium:  “You do look a bit… yellow.  ”

Offspring Bacterium:  “Please may you conjugate me a plasmid with a few of those random pieces of DNA particles over there?”

Donor Bacterium: (sighs tiredly) “I was just on my way to the host’s nose party.  And in about 20 minutes, my next offspring is due.  This is such a busy season, honey.”

Offspring Bacterium:  “I haven’t been connecting my plasmid with bad DNA, honest!”

Donor Bacterium:  “Why don’t you propel your flagellum over to the Nonfunctional Donor Cell Mart and ask someone in the Transformation department to help you diversify your genetic code.  Poor little saprophyte!  I’m sure they’ve got some traits you could absorb.... but try not to sneeze on anyone.”

… (then mumbling to itself) “Ugh… transduction season!  Why can’t viruses mind their own business?!”

Offspring Bacterium:  (sighing heavily)  “Yes, Donor.”

(propel… propel… propel…)

Offspring Bacterium: (arriving at Nonfunctional Donor Cell Mart) “Um… excuse me.”

NFCM Employee Bacterium:  “May I help you?”

Offspring Bacterium:  (looking over the appetizing selection of DNA pieces floating around)  “Yes, I have a virus and was wondering if you could pass a plasmid of… um… That One!... Oh, yes please!!!”

NFCM Employee Bacterium:  “Certainly… I happen to have exactly what you need right here.   If you’ll step this way…  There, now we’ll form a conjugation tube between us and… there’s a strand for you.  Got it?”

Offspring Bacterium:  “Yes, thank you so much!  How much do I owe you?”

NFCM Employee Bacterium:  “No charge, dear.  I still have one strand like the one I gave to you.   Have a nice day!”

Offspring Bacterium:  “Wow!  Gee, thanks a lot!  I feel like a million ribosomes!”

~ae